In Dr. Gary Chapman's New York Times Bestseller, The Five Love Languages [Northfield Publishing, 1995], he discusses five ways that people communicate and receive love to and from one another. They are:
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Giving and Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
When it comes to Quality Time, Dr. Chapman is not discussing any old time together. One example he uses is that a couple watching TV is not spending quality time together because the attention is being held by HBO or Comedy Central, not each other.
For those who speak this love language more fluently than the others, lacking quality time together can leave one feeling empty. Dr. Chapman refers to an account called a "love tank."
Quality Time Helps Keep the Love Tank Full
The love tank that is discussed in The Five Love Languages is a system of deposits and withdrawals that all people have with one another.
In the case of a person spending time with his or her spouse, special moments together talking, walking, reading, or driving fill the tank with deposits while too many unnecessary hours apart draw from it.
When people's love tanks are filled, they can easily afford to allow withdrawals by way of doing things that their spouse desires, such as baking them a special desert, doing something new in the bedroom, or lavishing them with appreciation. In some cases, all three could be combined into one.
Filling a spouse's love tank is very easy as there are no constraints outside of those a person places upon himself.
The Top of a Career Field Can be a Very Lonely Place
For people who primarily speak and hear love through Quality Time, being away from a loved one can be draining.
Those with spouses that give and receive love in this manner must take into account a proper life-work balance. While an uncertain economy can leave some people desperate to hold onto a job that is necessary to support the family, and striving for more education to remain competitive is noble, consider and understand the sacrifices being made so that a risk assessment of the situation can be taken.
Supportive and understanding spouses will want the best for their partners as well as the family, but they also need what is best for them. When they are not having deposits put into their love tank, but they are keeping up their ends of the relationship, something is going to break, because a person can run on empty for only so long.
Quality Conversation May Require Training
When someone says that she wishes her spouse would "learn to talk", what she is really saying is that she feels that she is on the outside of her spouse. She does not know how he feels. The truth could be that he is unsure as well, since many young boys, as well as girls, are criticized for expressing their feelings while growing up.
While getting beneath the surface of one's partner may be difficult, having a quality conversation does not have to be. Certain keys to quality conversation include:
- Maintaining eye contact to show that full attention is being given
- No multi-tasking
- Try to distinguish the feelings your spouse is expressing
- Do not interrupt
Men are often in a problem-solving mode. Women, sometimes, just need to speak and be listened to. At times, men and women can be in either of these modes, and it is important for people to listen to each other so that the other can feel important to them. Not doing so can leave them feeling unappreciated, and everyone wants to feel appreciated.
Quality Time Activities
Dr. Chapman stresses that spending time together is all about giving each other undivided attention.
It is when Willie Nelson and Julia Roberts are put to the side, and a couple enjoys each other. It can be a walk in the park, a special vacation, playing games together, or eating dinner in a restaurant.
While an Alaskan cruise or trip to Europe would be wonderful, spending quality time together does not have to be elaborate. In fact, most opportunities for couples to spend time together are not. They are late at night when the children have been put to bed, early in the morning before the children wake, and moments in between.
It is very important that couples make time to spend together because without it, few of the languages of love can be given or received. Quality time together is very important. For those who feel it to be the primary source of their fulfillment, it is essential.
Join the Conversation