Getting married can be both an exciting and stressful time. One aspect that can add to the stress while cutting down on the possibility of divorce is having a frank discussion of each other's expectations, also called a verbal prenuptial agreement.
Using the term prenup can put a bad taste in many people's mouths because, as finance guru and radio talk show host Dave Ramsey puts it, a prenup turns a marriage into a business arrangement. In some cases it's necessary, but for most, it's not.
The verbal prenup is not going to turn your marriage into a business arrangement unless you make it that way. This means of discussion is simply a way to get to know each other as you should before tying to one another forever. The topics to be covered are all of the ones that are extremely important to you.
Areas to Discuss in a Verbal Prenup
Before discussing the verbal prenup my wife and I had made eight years ago, it's important to lay down how extensive this process can be. Naturally, one would consider the discussion of:
- Children
- Money
- Divorce
But these are not the only issues of importance in a relationship. Some people place a large amount of importance on:
- Education (theirs and the children's)
- Lifestyle choices (vacation, clothing, cars, religious faith)
- Where to live
- Love life
- Parental support
- Hobbies (together and apart)
The Pascale's Verbal Prenup
My wife and I have a strong relationship. We share many of the same values, have grown together, and support each other.
Before we married in August, 2004, we began talking about the kinds of issues I felt all couples should discuss. We talked about how many children we wanted. I told her I wanted five children to which she replied 'I'm not a baby factory!'
"Five is hardly factory output," I replied. "It's more like a machine."
"A machine?!"
"And we should have them before you're thirty."
"I don't think so," she said.
"How about if we adopt some of them?" I asked.
She softened to the idea and agreed. Next, I said that I wanted to always try and have a parent at home full time. She agreed. Following this, I told her that when I got out of the Marine Corps, I wanted to be the one at home. She liked this idea very much because she wanted to go to college and become a professional.
Then came my coup de grace. It was something every woman I ever talked to about it said that no woman would ever agree to. But for a woman to marry me, it was a must.
I told my wife that I felt it was only fair that in the event of one of us cheating, the division of assets would be as such:
- Wronged party receives all assets and children
- Cheater incurs all debts
So, if my wife and I owned a home with a mortgage, the cheater gets the mortgage, the other person gets the home. The same would go for consumer debt and cash, auto loans and cars, and business loans and businesses.
Every woman I'd ever discussed this with before hated it. My wife said 'I really like that idea. Can we actually do it?'
I never checked because I didn't need to. We were in agreement on that matter of infidelity.
Follow-up on the Above Prenup
Today my wife and I have four children. We plan on adopting our next one or two in the next five years. When I left the Marine Corps, I came home full time for three years. My wife is about to finish an active duty contract with the Army and will come home full time while she goes to graduate school.
Most recently, we added to our marital agreements that when the kids are grown we are going to join the Peace Corps.
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