Public restrooms are not exactly high on a person's favorite places list. While most can agree that they are very good to have, some patrons are a bit too happy about their existence, as if they were easels upon which they were recreating the Mona Lisa.
These proud folks are sometimes referred to as Public Restroom Connoisseurs, or Out-of-the-Closet-Poopers.
Out-of-the-Closet-Poopers and Crop Dusting
For those who work in close quarters, there are times when a co-worker's flatulence wanders into a foreign domain. Do not be so naive as to think this is an accident; it is more likely an act of crop dusting.
Crop dusting occurs when a person has much gas and, rather than unleash it upon themselves- where they will indulge in their peaking curiosity- they spread the wealth by taking a lap around the office. Like Joseph in the old Biblical story of Egypt, they sow the land in hopes of a bountiful return. But rather than crops, they seek joy at the expense of others.
To prevent this, one should have a fan on his desk so as to fight wandering odors with a defensive jet stream. It is a simple fix that only costs a few dollars. But atrocities of this kind do not end here.
The Out-of-the-Closet-Pooper is so darn proud of his ability to create commode chokers that he can sometimes be seen entering the most common restroom with a newspaper under his arm, or perhaps a cup of coffee. He's going to be there a while.
To defend against this, one can either "out" the OoCP in an attempt to embarrass him, or seek a safe haven so as to avoid the backlash of the never ending crop dusting that could occur.
Finding Safe Havens for Comfortable Bathroom Use
For those who are not so proud of their bathroom compositions that they have separate photo albums in their cell phones that are later downloaded on personal computers, a safe haven may be a necessity.
A safe haven is a rarely used bathroom that is out of the way, or even off-limits. Using this bathroom will not only heighten one's experience, but it could also alleviate embarrassment for those who are not ready to showcase such things as the results of eating bad Mexican food the night before.
The most important thing to ensure is that OoCPs do not find out about the safe haven lest one wishes for a coup de toilet to occur.
What to Do if No Safe Haven Bathroom Exists
For those who cannot avoid the bathroom of others, there are ways to enact prevention. For example, if one must go, and in a bad way, the fly-by works very well.
A fly-by occurs when one passes the bathroom to see if it is overly occupied. Or one can enter to feign the clearing of a stuffed nose. The best time to use the restroom would be during others' lunch hours since most people are more likely to use the bathroom on the clock.
If this does not work and others enter while one is pooping, there are several tactics left. They are the Tap-a-Rap, and the Camo Cough. The Tap-a-Rap is when one taps his foot upon squeezing out a big one. If a tapper is uncoordinated, then this method will only cause harm. The Camo Cough, on the other hand, should be easy enough, and it can be complemented with a fake nose blow.
Both of these work extremely well if another co-worker has a cold, because whoever lingers in the restroom will be inclined to think the sick person is merely having a virus work through his system.
Some may be thinking, why do the Tap-a-Rap or Camo Cough when one can simply hold out until all is clear?
Other Obstacles in Using Public Restrooms
Every bathroom has a Hanging Harry. An HH is a person who thinks the bathroom is a great place to hang out. He might even confuse the restroom with the break room. If an HH has time to kill, it'll be there, whether he's on the pot or not.
Another disaster waiting to strike are Gate Crashers. A Gate Crasher does not look to see if a stall is in use, and so, pushes on the door, and then usually pushes again. In great confusion as to why it is not opening, he may consult the local HH.
If the pooper arrived before the HH- after executing reconnaissance via fly by- these two may well tag team the door, posing an incredible threat if the occupant cannot choke out the words "OCCUPIED!" in time.
Using public restrooms can be a tricky business. Between those who are so eager to share their exploits and those who do not realize the hazards of spending excessive amounts of time in public bathrooms, prevention methods must be employed. While they are not fool proof, they do work.
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